Jokes

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks,
but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you
sent it through

Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good...!!! I've been a good man to you for
seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to
tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite
meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went
straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want
sex anymore or anything.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me.
Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
* * * *> > > >* * * * *> * * > * * * * * *> > > >
Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for
seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because
they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a
girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my
favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven
years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still
on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that
morning ... and your silk boxers were $49.99...
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the
lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you
were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed:
Rich and Freeeeeeeeeeee!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

In the middle of the table is a
round food tray with five kinds of
Fruits on it. They are:

A. Apple

B. Banana

C. Strawberry

D. Peach

E. Orange

Which fruit will you choose?
Please think VERY carefully and
don't rush into it. This is great, I
was astounded! Your choice
reveals a lot about you!

Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN

[]

If you have chosen:

A. Apple: That means you are a
person who loves to eat apples

B. Banana: That means you are a
person who loves to eat bananas

C. Strawberry: That means you are
a person who loves to eat
strawberries

D. Peach: That means you are a
person who loves to eat peaches

E. Orange: That means you are a
person who loves to eat oranges

I hope you find fulfillment in this
new insight about yourself. May it
bring you peace and
understanding, tranquility and all
that other profound stuff.

Also I bet that right now you would
like to find me and kick my ass!

[]

Well, You won't find me....because
I am still hunting down the ASS
who sent this to me...

Have a Purrrr-fect Day!

Subject: Why latinos can't be terrorists

WHY LATINOS CAN'T BE TERRORISTS......................

1. 8:45am is too early for us to be up.

2. We are always late, we would have missed all 4 flights.

3. Pretty people on the plane distract us.

4. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves.

5. With food and drinks on the plane, we would forget why we're
there.

6. We talk with our hands, therefore we would have to put our
weapons
down.

7. We would ALL want to fly the plane.

8. We would argue and start a fight in the plane.

9. We can't keep a secret, we would have told everyone a week
before
doing
it.

AND MY FAVORITE.....

10. We would have put our country's flag on the windshield.

ARE YOU A LATINO? HOW CAN YOU TELL FOR SURE?

1) If you have ever been hit by a "Chancla"

2) If you grew up scared by something called "El Cucuy"

3) If others tell you to stop screaming when you are really just
talking.

4) If you light a candle to Virgin Mary on the night before your big
test.

5) If you use your chin to point something out.

6) If you constantly refer to cereal as "con fleys".

7) If your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you for dinner,

      even if it's a one bedroom apartment.

8) If you can dance merengue, cumbia, or salsa without music.

9) If you use "manteca" instead of olive oil and can't figure out
why
      your nalgas are getting bigger.

10) If you are in a five passenger car with seven people in it and a
        person is shouting "subanse, todavia caben mas!"

11) If whenever you feel under the weather, you compulsively
dab on some
"Vick's vapor rub" all over your pecho and inside your nostrils.

12) Your mom packs your "lonche" every day even though you've
just
       turned thirty-two.

13) If you call the North Americans "gringos", including
Canadians, and
call all Asian people "chinos" or "chinitos" and you call the corner
store "the chinito's store".

Send this to all your Latino friends!!!! You can also send this to
your
non-Latino friends, but if you have to s'plain more than three
items,
what's the point???

Excuse me while I go eat some chicharones.

In the beginning, God created the
Heavens and the
Earth and populated the Earth with
broccoli,
cauliflower and spinach, green and
yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and
Woman would live
long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan
created Ben and
Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme
Donuts. And Satan
said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said,
"Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as
you're at it,
add some sprinkles." And they gained 10
pounds. And
Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt
that Woman might
keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan
brought forth white flour from the wheat,
and sugar
from the cane and combined them. And
Woman went from
size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."
And Satan
presented Thousand-Island Dressing,
buttery croutons
and garlic toast on the side. And Man
and Woman
unfastened their belts following the
repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart
healthy
vegetables and olive oil in which to cook
them." And
Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried
steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained
more weight and his cholesterol went
through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white
cake, named it
"Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is
good." Satan then
created chocolate cake and named it
"Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so
that His
children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave
cable TV with a remote control so Man
would not have
to toil changing the channels. And Man
and Woman
laughed and cried before the flickering
blue light and
gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato,
naturally low in
fat and brimming with nutrition. And
Satan peeled off
the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
center into
chips and deep-fried them. And Man
gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man
might consume
fewer calories and still satisfy his
appetite. And
Satan created McDonald's and its
99-cent double
cheeseburger. Then said, "You want
fries with that?"
And Man replied, "Yes! And super size
them!" And Satan
said, "It is good." And Man went into
cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple
bypass surgery.

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
>father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this
house
is

>$280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can
afford
>it."
>
>The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front
door
>with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little
>Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard
>you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to
wait

>because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here
by
>myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike

Why parents drink

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not
phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the
main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and
was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mommy there?" " Yes ."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message,
the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the
boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the
whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background
through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that
noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly
apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just
landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What
are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "
ME ."

For his birthday, little Patrick asked
for a 10-speed bicycle. His
>father said, "Son, we'd give you
one, but the mortgage on this house
is

>$280,000 & your mother just lost
her job. There's no way we can
afford
>it."
>
>The next day the father saw little
Patrick heading out the front door
>with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son,
where are you going?" Little
>Patrick told him, "I was walking past
your room last night and heard
>you telling Mom you were pulling
out. Then I heard her tell you to
wait

>because she was coming too. And
I'll be damned if I'm staying here by
>myself with a $280,000 mortgage &
no bike